An oft-quoted verse is "Jesus wept. (John 11:35). Aside from being the shortest verse in the King James Version of the New Testament, the verse also tells us something of Jesus’ character. He was a caring and compassionate person towards those he ministered unto. In other verses of the four Gospels we read where Jesus expressed various emotions from anger to joy. Simply stated, Jesus was a real human being just like any other person. The difference between Jesus and the pastor is that Jesus always conducted His relationships without mistakes whereas the pastor is going to make mistakes in dealing with people.

The goal of every believer is to be as much like Jesus as possible. We are to have, as Paul put it, the mind of Christ. We are to think and feel as our Lord thought and felt. Emotion is not only a part of being human but also a part of being holy as He is holy.

When I was in seminary I failed a course. Basic pastoral care is one of the foundation courses in seminary. Without that course a seminarian can not take the higher numbered and important courses. I failed that course but I am not ashamed. Oh, I did pass all the course work and all the projects with an "A" but one little thing caused me to not "pass". A leader in the course said, "As a pastor you must always keep parishioners at arm’s length." My immediate comment was, "Wait a minute, aren’t we supposed to be like Jesus? He didn’t keep people at arm’s length." Having already served as pastor to one congregation I disputed the leader’s reasoning. The Dean of the seminary said, "I have to stand behind the leader." The professor of the course also stood with the leader. My reason for recalling the incident is simply to put into perspective the work of the pastor. He, in following Jesus’ example, will become involved with those he meets.

There are times the pastor will be objective and not become emotionally invested in a person or a situation. Those times of discernment come with years of experience and understanding of people. The baseline, however, is to follow Jesus’ example.

One of the real difficulties of pastoral ministry is knowing too much and becoming too close too soon. When coming to a new congregation there is the temptation to get to know some of the people as close friends before knowing the names and faces of most of the congregation. Every pastor desires to fit in and to begin to minister. People as a rule hold back the most intimate parts of their personalities, their past and associations. The person who becomes a "fast" friend has yet to be revealed in all facets. Ministering to that person in a time of crisis may lead to saying or doing something very damaging because "I thought I knew you!" At arm’s length is to be avoided but diving in without knowing the depth of the water is another. A pastor is to be caring and compassion, ever willing to invest in a relationship, but knowing there are limits based on the time he has been involved with a person.

Experience is the best teacher if one is willing to learn. And, as we know, hindsight is always 20/20. Every pastor will make mistakes in those early years of ministry. The important thing for him is to learn from those mistakes and not duplicate them. There will be times he will get too close too fast. He will minister to a person or a family and learn intimate details about them and for that reason they will withdraw from the relationship and possible leave the congregation. Fixing such a relationship is all but impossible.

Empathy is a two-edged sword. A pastor can’t hold people at arm’s length and he can’t become so emotionally involved he loses effectiveness. The balance of empathy is a gift of the Holy Spirit and of learning. God gives the pastor many opportunities to learn to use the gift. Just as patience is a gift that has to be used and practiced to be understood and effective so too is empathy. Fear of empathy is paralyzing and will be noticed by the people the pastor tries to minister to.

Jesus prayed morning, noon and night. He spent entire nights in prayer and often withdrew from ministry to rest and pray. A pastor models his ministry after the examples of Jesus. Patience, empathy and relationships require prayer and more prayer. The pastor can be friend and still pastor if he follows Jesus’ example of prayer and how He conducted relationships.